This post is taken wholesale from a friend of mine who passed away this week. He wrote this, all mistakes, emotions, and feelings are his.
Rest in peace Craig.
The beginning
I was smoking smack with a friend and he told me he had some good valium on the way, (the last lot weren’t very potent), he also said he’d give me ten for free.
I didn’t hear from my friend for over a week I spent that week drinking inhaling lighter gas and when I could afford it doing smack.
One mundane night whilst getting drunk my friend rang me to say the valium had arrived he asked if I wanted to buy any as he needed the money to score I said
“I’m skint mate sorry but can I still have 10 for free”
“you can but can you get a fiver and we’ll go halves on a bag”
“I reckon I could do that”
My dad lent me a fiver so I was all set.
When I arrived at my friends the first words that came out of my mouth were
“can I have the valium”
“haha yea you can hurry up my mums gonna give us a lift to bideford”
I took two or 3 maybe 4 of the valium and stashed the rest in my sock then got a lift into bideford, the house was full of most of the well known junkies from bideford we scored then went into the corner to have a smoke.
I asked
“where’s the bog to”
I cant remember the reply I tried to get up but my legs were to heavy to carry me I felt really good I fell into a few people before deciding to sit back down and smoke.
When it was time to leave I couldn’t walk properly I was a stumbling bumbling mess I remember getting to the jobcentre in bideford and my friend not wanting any part of being seen with me saying
“I’m going to a friends sorry they don’t like strangers” or something along them lines I remember not caring as I felt good my only problem was my legs, my friend left me with a well known junkie he said something about my wallet not being safe in my pocket I don’t remember much of what he said and I didn’t realise my wallet was missing til the next day.
He left me near the booze shop that’s about the time I started hallucinating I saw people which would come upto me and then disappear I don’t remember much of the walk home to northam which is about 2 miles from bideford, I remember seeing a police car parked up and trying to talk quietly to the people I was seeing my next memory is of being at home.
I saw people in my room they would appear and talk to me for a while then disappear so I acted a good host I made them coffee my dad caught me making pasta when he asked why I was cooking at that time of night I said
“its for my friends”
“there’s no one here you’ve been talking to yourself for ages now I can’t fucking sleep”
My only other memories of that night are feeding my ferret at 3am and waking my dad up again.
The next day I was hearing voices they didn’t frighten me they just confused me , I heard my dad arguing in the front room.
So I picked up my baseball bat charged into the front room and my dad was watching tv he said
“what the fuck are you doing “
“I heard you arguing”
“you need help im taking you to see the crisis team”
I don’t remember much of my meeting with the crisis team I remember laughing and talking about what the aliens were going to do in 2012 and they said something about the mental health act .
They said I was going to have to spend time in hospital.
First evening 29.01.2010
I saw a woman I knew from bideford called Jill, I done a urine test whilst being watched by a nurse which took forever its awkward standing with your cock out in front of another man.
I kept getting lost even though the ward is small I kept going into the wrong rooms in the end the nurse jack gave me some lorazepam and told me to lie down it worked.
Day two
Had Weetabix for breakfast even though I’m not a breakfast person , watched some tele craved some punk rock, my dad came in and brought me a few essentials, I heard my mum and lucy were coming in.
I went to lie down in bed I woke up to see Jill’s face.
I didn’t know what to say to her so I closed my eyes again wishing her away, she then preceded to get into my bed and put her arm around me, I got up and went for a fag and left her in my bed.
She followed me around a lot after that, lucy came to see me.
They didn’t give me any lorazepam tonight so it was a risperidone night for me.
Day three
Woke up at 7am brushed my teeth went for a fag got followed around a lot by jill lucy came to see me.
Day four
Woke up at 5.45 am asked for my meds early but they Said to wait til 8am, Miriam held my hand today and asked for a kiss I turned her down, im still feeling anxious and shitty.
Day five
Woke up early watched terminator 2.
Went to relaxation group couldn’t relax I need more than a tape playing supposed relaxation tunes and a cheap mat to relax, so I rolled rollies instead.
Lucy came in Jill came over and said she wanted to wear my jumper I said no she said
“I’ll go and get it myself”
I complained to the staff my exact words were
“if she doesn’t leave me alone I’m gonna punch her in the face”
So someone had a word with her .
I saw jill in the kitchen and she said in a manipulative manner
“I forgot im not allowed near you”
I just ignored her.
My anxiety was worse today.
Day six
My mum came to see me this morning.
I went for a walk with a member of staff and some patients to a shop in pilton.
Im still anxious and having horrible visions.
Day seven
Woke up early like usual. The staff let me go unescorted to get a paper
The rest of the text is undecipherable due to drool semen blood and shit stains the next barely readable page begins I was in a dreamlike state I could see dead bodies was i the only one left alive was I responsible or not men stood aroused their erect penis’s covered in brambles waiting to rape and torture I kept going back to the same house climbing through a window and feeling jealousy that it wasn’t my house.
Friday the 13th of January 2012
I woke up at 830am and went to take my meds, I went back to bed fully clothed , I woke up at 9.45am and there was a knock at my door it was the nurse andy telling me that my solicitor had arrived.
So me and my solicitor talked about the managers hearing I had planned for 10.30am, phil my care coordinator was here by that point phil was wearing a suit jacket and black jeans he looks like Ed Brown from ironside.
When we were in the meeting room a grey haired lady came in and introduced herself and said the hearing was due to start.
I went in to the room the walls were white there were tables in the middle we were told where to sit I sat facing a man with a beard he was the main speaker.
The end result of the hearing was that they were not going to discharge my section so I have to spend upto the next six months in hospital.
I saw phil after my hearing he was basically saying bye as I’ve been seeing him for 3 years and that’s the limit of time to be spent with him as my care coordinator.
Me and phil talked about books david icke my delusion I had of believing that aliens were going to take over the world on December 21st 2012, phil suggested I go into hospital around that time I thought it sounded a good idea as I don’t know how im going to handle that particular date.
This afternoon I went for a walk I bought 3 books , the knights Templar a spiderman graphic novel and a Richard laymon book.
After my foray into town I went on the walking group we went to the nature reserve and then went for a coffee afterwards me sam who is 6 foot and wears track suits all the time who has scruffy black hair, gary also went he has grey hair and teeth missing possibly from amphetamine abuse.
When I came back I made two sandwiches I saved one for later on and I spent the rest of the night on my laptop im going to bed shortly I hope I don’t get any nightmares.
Saturday the 14th of January
I woke up at about 9.30 I was debating whether to buy a new skateboard I decided against it as I already have one.
I went out at 10.00 I went to costa for a coffee then I went into cash converters I saw a bass guitar in there for 55 pounds so I impulsively bought it iv always been good at spending money quite poor at saving it.
I got the bass guitar back to thje ward and I tried it out and it didn’t work so I asked jenny the Scottish staff nurse with red hair if someone could take me out to take it back I had already used my hours leave she said yes so rezza the Iranian nurse who always has his tongue hanging out took me out.
We went to cash converters and they couldn’t find an amp to test it out I said quite loud
“I bet they haven’t even tested it what idiots”
The lady working in cash converters said
“actually we have tested it and it was working”
They eventually tested it and it worked so no refund for me.
Then we went to the guitar shop so I could buy a guitar tuner I got the guy working in the guitar shop to test it out and it was working.
So then we headed back to the ward I had my dinner it consisted of vege burgers and salad so I chomped that down.
Then I read some David Icke and wasted time til it was time to go to the cinema we were going to watch the darkest hour.
The film was ok I guess it was about an alien attack on Moscow the aliens were invisible, the film had a happy ending which was most disappointing.
When we were on our way back to the ward I had a feeling of dread unknown enemies were around in every nook and cranny.
The feeling of dread continued I call it paranoia/anxiety when I have it it takes over my whole body I need to go toilet a lot I get thirsty my stomach is full of mastaurbating butterflies all exploding into orgasm at the same time.
When I took my medication twenty minutes later the feeling was gone I just wasted time til 10.00pm and went to bed and slept like a lizard on largactil.
My mind vaults back and forth im searching the past for meaning im looking out of my mind shards splinter into my third eye I see a vision it melts now I see clearly.
In my heroin days I was constantly in contact with the job centre to see what money I could get off them one time I was lucky I was happy they were going to give me a crisis loan.
But first they said we need you to accept or reject the budgeting loan you applied for I was almost orgasming on the spot I could see the foil and needles loaded with copious amounts of smack.
I accepted the offer of a budgeting loan and they also gave me a crisis loan for 67 pounds.
I had to wait 3 days for the 490 pound budgeting loan to go through and even better the day the budgeting loan went through leftover crack were playing in Yeovil.
That morning I went to bideford approximately 1.5 miles from northam where me and my girlfriend Abbie lived in a caravan on her parents drive.
I cant recall what I bought in bideford well that’s a bit of a lie I remember buying half a gram of smack and got some needles.
I rushed back home to the caravan, the heroin spewed into my vein and up to my brain I felt really good.
We shot up a bag of smack each and melted the other two bags onto foil and took it with us and departed for Yeovil.
We stopped off in Exeter to do a bit of shopping I cant remember everywhere we went but we went to the real mccoy it is a two level shop that sells vintage clothes, I bought a pair of bondage trousers and I bought abbie a pair of army boots I found some very nice doc martens they were blue and from the 1960s but they didn’t fit so I left them.
Then we got the train to Yeovil I saw a few friends at the gig the bouncers were total cunts, firstly they came upto us and took our booze when we were drin king outside.
Then they said my provisional drivers license was a fake so they wouldn’t give me a drinkers band you needed the band to buy booze at the bar.
I went to the toilet to smoke some smack I used to love the way smack reacts to heat on foil it slides down the foil like a sneaky snake releasing smoke with you suck through a tube.
On the way back from the toilets I heard a cheesy bamerican voice say
“I just smelt the most beautiful smell”
I thought what the fuck the voice continued
“have you any gear for sale”
Then I realised what he was talking about, and it was then that I realised that he was the singer of leftover crack. I replied
“I haven’t got enough to sell”
He looked disappointed and said
“ill swap some for some pills”
So I said ok and let the snake loose on some foiled the snake withered and melted away into mind altering vapour soul soothing death defying death death death.
The singers name was Stza he took me and Abbie up some stairs and gave us a can of carling each not very good beer but booze is booze is booze.
I was having a leisurely sip of beer outside when one of the meathead bouncers came round the corner followed by his mate grabbed me and dragged me through the club.
It was at that point that leftover crack tore into a track, the bouncers threw me out.
We stood outside in the cold wondering how we were going to get home and also wondered what we would do to stave off heroin withdrawl.
I decided to ring a taxi the taxi office said they could take us back to bideford(about 70 miles away)
For I think well am quite sure it was 100 pounds.
The taxi drive which took about 2 hours was fairly uneventful we stopped off at our dealers flat his flat was dirty to say the least.
Then we got back to our caravan I cooked up whilst Abbie was happy to smoke the heroin.
I put a lot of smack on the spoon with citric acid and water the familiar smell pleased me I was hungry and ravenous.
I got a vein and shot the smack up I fell back and sank into the cushions we called a bed I remember very little from that night I kept regaining consciousness hearing abbie shout at me.
I awoke early the next morning feeling sick so I stumbled to our small bathroom and fell back grabbed hold of the curtain pulled the curtain down and projectile vomited trying to aim for the toilet the puke mainly consisted of apples I don’t remember eating apples I went back to bed feeling very sick I kept falling asleep I found it hard to raise myself each time I raised my upper half I felt nauseous.
Sunday the 15th of January
I awoke this morning to the nurse tony coming into my room he was asking if I wanted to go to Weston (Weston super mare) I said yes.
Me and another patient went when we were walking around Weston the other patient was telling me and tony about two cars he stole and went to prison for.
We went inton the cd shop I bought a disorder dvd and an nwa album, then I went into the bookshop sorted through books til I found naked lunch I sent tom and heather both my copies of naked lunch I bought the extended edition of naked lunch it has extras at the back.
We walked into the bright white reception area complete with a strengthened glass cubicle that the receptionist sits in tony collected his keys then we walked onto the ward.
The ward has a long corridor that runs through it the ward is painted off white the floor is off white lino the fittings and doors are made from stained fake wood.
When I got back on the ward the nurse mark asked me if I wanted to go to the cinema I said sure.
We went to the cinema and watched war horse the film wasn’t as cheesy as I expected it to be.
I just checked out the tv and a well funny film is on falling down its about a guy(Michael douglas who snaps and causes loads of trouble in his city.
Monday the 16th January
I woke up and went to the morning meeting at 9.30 bowling was on as it usually is in the afternoon.
I lost at bowling 7 of us went I always lose oh well.
I felt quite shit in the evening I tried to hang myself from the bathroom door when my weight was transferred to the cord I used the bathroom door opened.
So I tried swallowing a plastic carrier bag I could ram it down my throat so far but I couldn’t get it all the way down so after quite a few attempts I gave up that’s right people im not even capable of killing myself oh well luckily my neck didn’t bruise it was red last night but none of the nurses noticed.
I also saw a light in the sky im sure it was the aliens telling me that there always watching, I’ve been told my belief that aliens are going to come and take over the world on December 21st is a delusion but if it is indeed a delusion then why does it seem so real.
Its odd looking back to things ive done people ive known things ive done places ive been none of it seems real it seems like all my memories are just illusions.
This space my being occupies is just an illusion nothing exists nothing at all I search for meaning but I find none no meaning no sense nothing nothing nothing.
If nothing is real the only place we can be happy is when we are nothing im content im nothing a nobody nothing nothing nothing.
I got admitted into my local hospital for the fourth time in a year in November 2011 I had took three big overdoses altogether and ended up in intensive care after each overdose.
I remember after one overdose I came around and I couldn’t breath it was then that a nurse came and pulled a tube out of my throat.
I kept waking up and seeing people next to me then theyd fade out as I faded out I felt like I was pissing myself I kept saying it and the nurses would explain that I had a catheter fitted it was an odd sensation piss leaking out of mje into a bag.
Before this admission to the mental ward ocean view I was using heroin legal highs and drinking a lot, another patient told me that you could get a drug called devils dust for ten pound for half a gram.
So I got half hours a day leave would take the bus into town spend anywhere between 10 pounds and 70 pounds and go back to the hospital and get high on it the buzz you got off the drug was a similar one to ecstacy.
This continued until just before Christmas and one day I saw a friend also going to get some devils dust unfortunately they had run out so I got 35cl of vodka and some fruit juice instead.
We went to my friends flat he had a main room down stairs with various paintings he had done on the walls and a piano in there aswell.
We went to the small room upstairs and proceded to drink I drank the vodka really fast, a friend of my friends turned up and in my drunken lairy state I started a fight with him not much happened in the way of a fight.
I then found myself stumbling drunk up Barnstaple high street I don’t remember how I got back to the hospital but when I did I came through the locked doors and started laughing they said your drunk and I said very little.
Rob the nurse who has a bald head and wears a beanie hat on the very back of his head told me to stay in my room as there were people on the ward doing alcohol detox’s.
After that drunken event my leave was suspended I can’t remember for how long it was suspended but it wasn’t long before I was back on the devils dust.
When you snorted devils dust it was very harsh to snort it basically stripped a layer off of your nose and felt hideous.
Then along came Christmas I had a few days leave I bought what I thought was enough devils dust (I basically spent all my money on it.
I had to go back to the ward when I had my leave to see the doctor just to make sure all was going well.
I walked in and the nurse Jonathon he had grey hair and a short greying beard said that a few patients had been caught doing devils dust and he knew I had been doing it so I admitted to it he done a urine test just to be sure I had been doing it.
He said that one patient had been kicked off the ward for doing it and another patient had nearly been kicked off the ward for doing it.
I don’t remember much more of the conversation I then went to see phil(my community psychiatric nurse) I asked to use the toilet I went in the toilet and snorted a huge line of devils dust I felt quite good.
I went into the room with my dad and said to phil you should really be talking to my dad hes very ill indeed I laughed as phil asked my dads questions.
I spent Christmas 2010 with my mum and sisters my dad also came for Christmas dinner it was strange having my family together round a table.
I had to get my prescription from the doctors for my medication and they gave me a months worth I didn’t waste any time in getting the clonazepam out and snorting a load of tablets they didn’t have much affect on me mainly cause with benzos you quickly develop a tolerance to them.
After the Christmas period I was back on the ward and soon back on the devils dust my days panned out like this;
Wake up if I hadn’t been to fucked to sleep go into town buy devils dust usually go to the public toilets to do some devils dust go back to the ward within my half hours leave and not eat any dinner or tea snort more and more devils dust and talk garbage to people on the internet.
This continued until one day I went into town they didn’t have any devils dust so I spent 68 pounds on two sachets of this legal high called gogaine, I snorted a big line of it in the public toilet and it gave me a speed buzz.
I stashed the unopened gogaine in my sock and kept the open one in my pocket incase I was searched.
When I got back to the ward two nurses Richard and john got me inton the small interview room and said we know you’ve been doing devils dust and now were going to search you.
I admitted to using gogaine and gave them the opened packet.
John tested the gogaine to see what was in it and the test came back positive for amphetamines and opiates, so that explains why legal highs are so addictive.
The gogaine gave me an intense speed buzz the nurses knew I was high so there was no need to hide it which was good.
When they drug tested me it didn’t come back positive for benzodiazepines the nurses thought I wasn’t taking it and had been hiding it in my room son the nurses colin a six foot tall fairly large Scottish guy with black hair and Richard who is five foot ten with short hair who always wears sandles put some gloves on and knocked on my door.
They searched me and everywhere in my room colin felt my ankles and by a millimetre missed where the gogaine was hiding.
I spent that night high on a speed buzz provided by the gogaine, two days later I was transferred to the Russell clinic.
I don’t remember the ambulance journey to the Russell clinic there was a guy outside smoking a small cigarette.
I gave my bags of possessions to one of the nurses and then I was showed my room it was painted blue and with a desk a bed and a wardrobe in it was a small room it was quite similar to a prison cell.
They said that I couldn’t have my laptop or phone charger because they had to be tested for electrical safety, so I went into the lounge and watched minder.
The lounge was very gig it had a pool table in it and a book shelf and a few leather chairs I found a book shelf and found a dean koontz book a spike milligan book and a ian dury book.
Another patient introduced herself as mary she was fairly tall and dressed all in black she said I could borrow a book about punk off of her, she went and got the book I remember feeling quite cold.
When I finally got my laptop back I went on the internet and spoke to a girl I know in America.
The Russell clinic had a lot of activities on which was good my favourite activities were quad biking, sedgeways, kung fu and art.
When I was at the Russell clinic I stopped taking one of my anti psycotics (amisulpride) about a week after stopping it I started feeling paranoid it was horrible so I started self medicating.
I started off by going to the pub when I had my leave id drink 5 double vodkas or a couple cans of gold label(special brew pretty much)and then go back to the russell clinic.
It wasn’t long before I started doing heroin again, I was walking down Exeter high street and I saw a big issue seller (im not saying that all big issue sellers are junkies)I asked him if he could score me some heroin he said there’s none about til later on I said ok and headed back to the Russell clinic.
Another time I was walking down Exeter high street I saw a big issue seller and offered him ten pounds to score me some heroin, there was an Iranian guy hanging around him.
He said ok and we went across the road and used a phone he couldn’t score at the time he said I could score off the mancs but its really weak gear.
The Iranian guy said ill just go to my usual supplier the big issue guy said take him (meaning me) with you.
The Iranian guy introduced himself (im not gonna tell his name protecting the guilty hahahahaha)
He said hed score for me for a fiver, so we walked to a bus on the bus he said your not police are you I don’t wanna get into any trouble I showed him my tattoo that said ACAB(all coppers are bastards) and he believed me.
When we got off the bus we walked quite a distance we came to some steps and he said wait at the bottom for me.
He took about twenty minutes in that time I was beginning to doubt he’d come back I hadn’t handed any money over yet.
He came back then we got back onto the bus on the bus back into the city I asked if he had his own place he said yes, so I asked him if I paid him a tenner if I could have a smoke at his place he said a fiver would suffice.
I chased the melting black gold up and down the shiny foil the smoke was spewing from my lungs into my blood stream and upto my brain it took a while to feel the high.
And what a high it was I felt invincible all my worries were gone(for now).
I went back to the Russell clinic with pin prick pupils somehow they didn’t seem to notice it’s possible they did notice but kept quiet people aren’t stupid.
I went back to the Iranian guy on quite a few occasions sometimes smoking the heroin other times shooting it up this continued til the day I over dosed.
With heroin you tend to be greedy and that’s what brought me to an overdose I put 2 bags onto the spoon and the next thing I remember I was in the back of an ambulance saying I wanted to get out they said if I got out theyd ring the police on me so I stayed.
I got taken to accident and emergency where they injected me quite a few times with a clear liquid I was lying on a bed fading in and out of consciousness I felt quite good despite where I was.
I was not an ideal patient I kept complaining that I wanted to leave but they wouldn’t let me.
One night in Exeter john cooper clark (the punk poet)was putting on a show so me and Lesley the nurse(an ex punk) went to see him.
He was quite entertaining when it came to the end of the performance I was a bit drunk so I started shouting more loads of other people started shouting the same so he came back on stage and did chicken town.
Me and Lesley waited for mary to come out of the gig Lesley wanted a glass of wine but the bar was closed, so I wentr to the bar and asked for a bottle of wine to takeaway Lesley talked me out of it saying I had had enough to drink (she was right).
A little while after the john cooper clark gig I was walking down Exeter high street and I saw a girl busking I gave her a pound she said thanks and said that there was a heavy metal gig on at the phoenix.
So I went to the Iranian guys flat his flat was covered in rubbish mainly food produce and half full bottles of what looked like urine.
I had a smoke and bought a Viagra off of him I hadn’t had sex in ages so I decided id try to get laid at the gig.
I also gave him twenty pounds to get me two bags of heroin, I then went to the gig I drank quite a lot of double vodkas and orange juices.
I called the Iranian guy and he said to come one over when I got there he was saying he was only giving me one bag when I had paid for two so I punched him and then went back to the Russell clinic.
When I got back I asked for my medication (zolpidem a sleeping tablet 10mg and olanzapine an antipsycotic 20mg) Lesley asked how I had cut my knuckle she said you haven’t been wall punching have you I should of said yes as my excuse of catching it on someones jacket wasn’t very plausible.
Now I had my leave back I decided to go back to bideford(my home town approximately 70miles from the Russell clinic in Exeter).
I done some heroin and got a taxi I had an eight pack of lager which the taxi driver let me drink on the journey to bideford my main motive in going back to bideford was to see my cat lisa.
I picked up my ex girlfriend lucy on the way and went back to my dads the taxi cost me ninety pounds.
My dad saiud I couldn’t stay there and that he would take me back in a couple hours, lucy rejected me so I decided to snort some heroin.
My recollection of events are very vague indeed I ended up back in a accident and emergency having overdosed on heroin again.
I had a mental health act assessment a few days later they gave me a section 2(a section 2 is for assessment and lasts for a month).
Twenty six days later they said I could have my leave back and they also said that they were going to give me a section 3(section 3 is for treatment and lasts upto six months).
So I went on leave the nurses had took my bank card so I had to go into the bank with my bus pass and plead for some money they would only let me withdraw fifty pounds.
So I called up the Iranian guy now with a scar from me on his lip, post punching him he was more polite to me and didn’t try and rip me off again.
So I got him to score me two bags of heroin I had a smoke and went on the train back to bideford,I rang my friend but he didn’t pick up his phone I heard that some of my friends were drinking in the park so I went there and drank with them.
I left the park nat about nine thirtypm and wanted more booze but had no money so I walked into spar picked up two bottles of echo falls wine and walked out the staff in the shop were watching me the whole time and didn’t try and stop me.
I called my dad and he said the police were looking for me to take me back to the Russell clinic I was half drunk and high so I didn’t care.
I walked back to my dads completely oblivious to the fact that the police were looking for me, I don’t remember the two mile journey to my dads on foot.
I woke up at seven o clock and tried to turn the computer on to listen to music but it was full of viruses so I saw my record player and put iggy pop lust for life on and drank a bit of wine.
I phoned my friend and woke him up he was with me the day previous in the park I arranged to meet him in the park.
I walked into bideford my phone was low on battery but I was still blasting citizen fish/leftover crack split album.
When I got into the park Hannah rang me and asked where I was so she came down to see me my other friend was there to.
I was drinking the stolen wine and blasting out blatz, Hannah said to me I think the police know where you are cause there’s a load of police cars parked near here I said that I was gonna fight the police if they came for me.
Hannah left and me and my friend drank some more wine then headed to the bank across bideford quay a police car drove past.
I went into the bank and they said that they couldn’t let me have any money cause I had no id they said a statement would suffice, so I rang my dad and he said he would bring one in.
I saw a copper run across the road so I ran towards jubilee square and a police car pulled in front of me a copper grabbed me so I punched him the next thing I know im crushed into the ground and hand cuffed.
I plead with the police to take the cuffs off the copper I punched says not after what you did to my face he had a spot of blood on his face.
They drove me the sixty or so miles back to Exeter I was in a Perspex compartment of a police van the journey back was uncomfortable due to the handcuffs.
When I got back to the Russell clinic the patients that were outside were staring at me being led in in handcuffs, they finally took the handcuffs oss when they got me inside they searched me for drugs and then the police left.
I was expecting to get sent to a secure ward but I didn’t well not straight away, they didn’t even tell me that I had a mental health act assessment they probably thought I would of ran off.
I cant remember to well the paticulars of the people assessing me I remember talking about aliens and 2012 they said theyd get back to me after an hour no one got back to me.
That evening at about seven pm barrie a balding man who was about five ten who always had his t-shirts tucked into his trousers asked to speak to me.
He was with a woman they said they were preceding with a section three and that they could no longer guarantee my safety on the ward so they were sending me to London.
I packed a bag I just took the essentials (William burroughs books, shower bag and clothes the rest was packed up ready for my mum to come and collect.
Barrie asked if I would like some prn I said yes he gave me two milligrams of lorazepam, I don’t remember much of the journey to London.
I got to London at approximately eleven thirty pm, the ward was a white colour all the glass was covered in Perspex, I asked for a cigarette they said theyd take me for one.
I was led across a room there was a tv mounted on the wall it to was covered in Perspex, I went out onto an enclosed balcony it to was covered in Perspex.
Another patient asked what my diagnosis was I said schizophrenia he said his was the same.
After I had my fag I went to my room the room was painted white with a bed fixed to the floor a wardrobe in the corner and opposite the wardrobe was a desk all the furniture in the room was wooden.
I also noticed blood on the wall just a few splashes I wondered how it got there.
I had to wait til about twelve oclock to take my medication as the doctor had to write them up.
I arrived late Friday night so there wouldn’t be any activities til Monday.
One activity they did which I liked was film club in the activities room, the activities room had on one wall a big flat screen tv again inside a Perspex box a rowing machine a treadmill next to it and tables in the middle of the room.
It didn’t take long for me for no reason on my part to make an enemy the first I knew I had made an enemy was when this happened.
I was sitting next to another patient he had ginger hair and kept gurning really extremely a side affect from the medication ? or damage from when he took an overdose of paracetamol.
The next thing I knew I was on the floor my head felt heavy I could see feet coming towards my face.
Nurses piled into the lounge and restrained the patient they asked me if I was ok I said yes, ten minutes later my jaw was hurting a bit and then they let the patient who attacked me back in the room.
Again I was knocked to the floor and again he was trying to kick me when I was down again the nurses piled into the room and restrained him, the main doctor came upto me and asked if I needed anything I asked for and got two mg of lorazepam.
This time the nurses were sitting with the patient who attacked me I was very angry and paranoid a dangerous combination.
I went to my room the lorazepam had no affect as I was still on diazepam and had built upm a benzo tolerance.
I wanted revenge on the patient who hit me I thought of strangling him but the nurses sitting with him would stop me the best way I thought to get him back would be to throw boiling hot on him.
So I walked down the white corridor to the small cupboard like room where the boiler fridge and tea and coffee making equipment was kept.
I got a polystyrene cup and filled it with boiling hot water and went back into the lounge I walked upto him and threw the water in his face, the nurses quickly restrained me and dragged me out of the room the patient I attacked was cursing at me I just said fuck you cunt.
The next morning the same patrient came upto me and punched me I fell to the floor and jumped back up and we got into a scuffle on the Perspex balcony nurses quickly came and broke us up.
The next fight I got into that particular patient with was on a Sunday afternoon he was swearing at me and asking if I wanted a fight(I still don’t know to this day why he disliked me so)I said just fuck off or ill kill you.
He got up out of his chair so I got up and he came towards me the alarm went off the nurses separated us and restrained us.
The next fight I got into with him was just another boring day I started on him foronce I watched him watching tv and thought you cunt you attacked me when I was watching tv so ill do the same tpo you I went up to him and punched him and we got into another fight again the nurses piled in again they restrained us again I got dragged back to my room.
Largactil shuffle down sterile corridors
Give you ten mg of olanzapine
Say your unwell cause your kicking doors
Search for peace in these pieces of mind
But theres nothing I find
All traces of behaviour learned erode
Watch you crawl in the cold
The disinfectant smell
Reminds me every day im in hell
At night was when the patients and the ward came alive people would be screaming getting dragged by nurses along the corridors then theyd suddenly go silent obviously they had at that point been injected in the ass cheek with medication.
I got a letter from Helena baker she was the psychologist at the Russell clinic she sent me some information so I could carry on working with another professional.
I got told that the next day I might be moving to a ward in taunton I was hoping that would be the case the ward in London was stressing me out a lot the nurses must be getting paid a lot to work in this type of environment.
About three days later I was moved to holford ward in taunton it was another secure ward, when I went in they took me into a room the room was like a police cell they told me this was the isolation room.
They showed me to my room I sat on the bed it was really soft a welcome break from the rock hard mattresses of London and the Russell clinic.
Another good thing about holford was that you were allowed your mobile phone, and you were allowed a fag whenever you liked you had to get a light off of nurses as you weren’t allowed a lighter.
The smoking courtyard was a square bit of tarmac with 3 benches going around it and wire mesh on the edge of the roof to prevent you from climbing onto the roof.
I heard a lot of screaming on the ward it was the same person he’d either just scream or scream fuck off, the window in the isolation room was on the roof so when you’d go for a fag you’d hear him screaming.
I spent two weeks on holford one day they just came upto me and said your moving to ocean view I was well pleased as ocean view was in Barnstaple nine miles from my home town of bideford.
I was glad to be back on ocean view as it was familiar to me I had spent a lot of time over the year and a half previous on oceanview.
When I got back on ocean view steve was on there I had been on oceanview quite a few times, steve is five foot ten with a bit of a paunch usually a moustache and swept back grey hair.
Steve wasn’t allowed to have a lighter on him as he had previous convictions for arson, they only let him have a fag every hour so in between that hour he’d be asking other patients for fags.
I went out to the dreary courtyard(it has a massive fence around it separating it from the other psychiatric ward moorland view).
I met a guy I cant remember his name he spoke in a posh voice and had his hair swept back for some reason I took an almost instant dislike to him.
He was saying he needed to get laid hospital like prison makes you crave sexual company I knew how he felt just merely having a wank wasn’t satisfactory.
I went to woodwork most afetrnoons I made a racing car a toy one for my cousin stevies kid and I made boxes and a hair grip for my mum.
Rob the woodwork guy also did art group and music group both of which I took on and enjoyed, music wasn’t always to my taste as they did covers of songs that I didn’t like.
I saw doctor Nicholson(the ward psychologist) for the last time(he was leaving) he was quite a good doctor doctor goohooley took his place.
Doctor goohooley was at the Russell clinic when I was there the first time I saw him he said to me you seem well then you get unwell really quick and try to kill yourself I was to shocked to reply.
I was going to make a complaint but I didn’t think it would be wise to make a complaint about the one person who could take me off my section.
The next time I saw him I told him I wasn’t happy with what he said he apologised.
When I was at ocean view they wanted to move me to another ward I had a visit from two guys from a ward in Weston super mare and from ashward in somerset.
I told both of them that I was happy on ocean view and I was hoping that would be the last of them I was wrong.
I had a tribunual booked(an appeal against being sectioned if you win you get discharged from hospital)when the morning of my tribunual came(approximately the sixth of October 2011) I smartened myself up my solicitor catrin blake couldn’t make it so she sent another guy he spent twenty minutes speaking to me before the tribunual not enough time in my opinion to get to know me.
The tribunual was held in the meeting room just up the corridor from the ward, three people two guys one was a doctor were seated at a table at the front.
Me my mum mel(a nurse my key worker) phil self (my care coordinator)and doctor goohooley were seated in front of them.
The tribunual didn’t go my way phil told them about all the times I had tried to kill myself doctor goohooley said I had medication resistant paranoid schizophrenia he went through the symptoms of my illness with them to establish that I had an illness that required treatment in hospital.
My solicitor was really rubbish he looked bored with the whole thing when it was my turn to speak I said that yes I had a mental illness but that I could deal with it in the community.
It was also mentioned that me and my dad had had a fight the fight they were talking about happened six years ago so I didn’t see its relevance.
The end result was that I lost the tribunual I don’t feel like I got a fair hearing but what can you do and another thing was established was that id be getting sent to a secure ward as I ran away from the Russell clinic I wasn’t impressed.
I saw phil and he said I was doing well as I didn’t have such a strong conviction in my supposed delusion, phil also said that he had to go before a panel to try and get funding to send me away to ash ward in bridgewater, I was hoping he wouldn’t get the funding.
A month passed not a lot really happened I saw my friend ben my friend maynard and my friend Hannah which was good being in hospital shows you who your real friends are.
Phil announced to me that the funding was approved I was disappointed I had worries about going to ash ward my main worry was not being able to smoke when you wanted to and also that as it was a secure ward that id get into fights.
I was told that I’d be going to ash ward in a few days after a few days passed and I didn’t get moved I was pissed off I just wanted to move and get it over with.
I phoned ashward on a few occasions I ended up annoying them as they didn’t have any news for me.
The day finally came they told me I was moving the next day, I packed up all my stuff I had loads of stuff to take even though I sorted through my things and gave my mum the stuff I didn’t want to take.
The journey to ash ward in somerset from north devon took nearly two hours I was taken there in an ambulance it made me think their wasting all this money on me and I haven’t commited a crime imagine what they waste on prisoners.
I was taken through two sets of magnetically locked doors opened by an electronic key and I was onto the ward, my first impressions were that it looked like a mental hospital you’d see on a film a long corridor circular mirrors on the ceiling everything being white.
I was taken to a room with all my stuff and told that they would have to check through my stuff they asked if I would like to be present when they checked it I said yes.
After they finished sorting my stuff they showed me to my room it was painted white all the fixtures and furniture were made out of wood, there was two shelfing units next to each other a desk opposite a bed and a bedside table next to it.
I unpacked my stuff they had taken my aerial connector so I asked for it back they said they would have to cut it down as else it was a risk.
So after I unpacked my stuff I started reading complicity by ian banks.
Not long after being there another patient asked me to borrow a couple rollies worth of baccy I said ok the same patient a few days later asked me to sell him a quids worth of baccy I did that.
Ten minutes later he knocked on my door and said I hadn’t gave him enough I was quite pissed off it was obvious he was scamming me but I didn’t have a key to lock my room when I wasn’t in there so I gave him some more baccy as I was afraid he might come into my room and steal my things.
The patient im talking about was basically the ward bully he was quite often starting on other patients, I got a key to my room so the next time he knocked on my door asking for a rollie I said no he got pissed off and said its only a rollie I just said no and shut my door.
One day I went out onto the smoking courtyard during the week the smoking times are six thirty til nine thirty, eleven til eleven fifteen, twelve til two, three till three fifteen and four thirty til five and after five you can smoke whenever you want well providing a nurse is there to give you a light, the longest you have to wait for a fag is an hour and a half quite a long time huh.
I went to the bench and picked up the lighter and lit my fag the ward bully said your taking the piss you should of asked before you picked up the lighter I replied how the fuck is that taking the piss he went quiet.
The same patient had a couple digs at me I just ignored him like the other patients did, but one day I walked past his room and he came out and said you just tapped on my door in an aggressive manner, I told him to fuck off and challenged him to a fight and he backed down and went back in his room.
The next day he came upto me and said he didn’t want any trouble so I said ok then and we left it at that.
After a month and a half of being on ash ward I got given half an hours unescorted leave by doctor barnes he was about six foot tall had short greyish black hair wore glasses and had a bit of a lazy eye.
They seemed reluctant to give me the leave cause of my history of running away from hospital, the half hour a day gave me just enough time to buy food(I started cooking my own tea cause they kept giving me salad all the time)and get a coffee.
After being here for two months they had a review meeting phil came with someone from the affirmative outreach team(phil had been seeing me for over three years three years is the maximum he could act as my care coordinator/community psychiatric nurse).
At the meeting it was agreed to send me back to the Russell clinic I thought phil might object but he agreed it was a good move and I had proved myself by having leave and not running away drinking booze or using drugs.
Now that’s two admissions that I have wrote about now ill go back to the present in diary format.
Saturday 21st of January
I got woken up at about nine am fuck knows why im putting am just stating the obvious and treating the reader as if you’re a fool well you are a fool for reading such a cunts book now now reving keving calm down drink a cup of Bovril bovvvverb b yum yum.
I was excited as my mum dad and sister were coming to see me it takes an hour and a half to drive to somerset from north devon.
I went out in the morning just got a coffee and looked around the shops.
I came back and had a shower and a shave and put on clean clothes and waited.
I was expecting them to get here at three o clock but they arrived at one fifteen we walked acroos the aldi carpark and across eastover street across the bridge and we were in bridgewater high street it’s quite similar to bidefordi.e rundown and full of charity shops which is good I like searching for books and clothes in charity shops.
We went to kfc the only vegetarian thing they do is chips so I had chips and a coffee my sister apologised as she had forgot my skateboard.
The visit went well I was back at the hospital for three oclock I was sad to see them go but o well life goes on.
My dad brought up a book I ordered it was by Charles Bronson diaries from a concrete coffin.
